Castro-Malaspina’s Departing Gifts to the SOBs

“I can’t quit you” said Sebastian Castro-Malaspina in his press conference announcing the end of his loan term with Stegman’s Old Boys FC. “Well, actually I can and am technically doing it right now but it’s pretty hard. Because of that, I would like to offer gifts to some of the SOBs.”

In New Jersey, they don’t celebrate Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa). Rather, they celebrate the beginning and end of the Shore season.

The end of the Shore season, called “Fine Dusche” (fee-nay doo-shay) by locals, is particularly poignant. Gifts are given in an attempt to cushion the terrible blow that is the end of the season and the onset of the cruel, cruel winter.

It was with that in mind that Castro-Malaspina made his remarks.

“I want to leave the guys on the team with something to remember me by, and something they can cherish until G/T/L resumes in the summer.”

1. To George: A Halloween costume that does not require sweatpants

2. To Andy: A towel to carry around with you weekend nights to wipe the sweat off of you

3. To Keeler: A recording of my voice yelling “Get your $hit together Keeler” to use as a ringtone or alarm bell for your cell phone

4. To Warner: A desire to not smile after you give another $hitty pass

5. To Bisswurm: A t-shirt that says “I can give, but cannot receive”

6. To Hoedeman: A hip that will stop hurting & a year’s supply of vapor rub

7. To Sean: Another dance move to go along with your other one (we’ll call it the vertical finger bang)

8. To Brandon: A year’s supply of deodorant and a class at U of M on how to use it

9. To Travis: A Hulk-a-Mania t-shirt

10. To Logan: A Mini Me (from Austin Powers) doll

11. To Yohann: My fellow countryman, I leave you the entire series of HBO’s Big Love

12. To Tommy: G/T/L

13. To Hedstrom: Tickets to VH1’s next “Divas Live” show

14. To Pete: A Whizzinator

15. To Alex Haueter: A doctor’s note

16. To Matt Gorrell: A framed still of Jeff Agoos’ own goal in the USA-Portugal 2002 World Cup match

17. To Al & Alex: A wish that your family never has a scare like that again

18. To DJ Cudi: A free limo driver to where ever you want to go

19. To Nick: A first touch

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